So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
