Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
