She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
