Im at strip club and am horny
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
