You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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