an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
