Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
