Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
