I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize
