It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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