I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
