Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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