Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
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Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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