I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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