Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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