i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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