oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
