No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
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checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
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I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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