You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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