We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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