It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
