a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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