Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
