advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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