I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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