I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
