Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So here I am, sexting at work.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
