Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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