your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
