So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
