can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
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Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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