New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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