I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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