hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
