I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
