My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
