you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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