I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
