I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
