He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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