At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Randomize
