Cold hands, warm shart.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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