wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
