I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
