Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
