I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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