Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
