ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
