she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You are a genius and a whore.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
