Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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