I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
