Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I want a musical about memes.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize