I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
