if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
