I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
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we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
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also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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